


Control

by susoosushoo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bang Chan | Chan is a Sweet Heart, Chan is a good leader, Character Study, Developing Relationship, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Lee Minho | Lee Know Is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oops, Purging, References to Depression, Starvation, Strong Language, Thought Projection, aight, and jisung is a good friend, and skz, but homeboy won't let anyone in, everyone go stan her, leave me alone, literally forgot how to tag, may or may not have been inspired by halseys control but thats besides the point, mentions of everyone else - Freeform, minho needs a hug, minho really just needs support, yes im projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26727661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susoosushoo/pseuds/susoosushoo
Summary: Minho was hurting, and Jisung couldn't seem to figure out why.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 6
Kudos: 105





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is me, of course, projecting onto minho. i apologize sincerely i love him with all my heart but inspiration came upon me while i was contemplating recovery and i had a conversation with my best friend that really gave me a lot to think about so. ANYWAYS major trigger warning, in detail descriptions of eating disorder, numbers, starvation and restriction, purging and such. do not read if you are susceptible to being triggered, i know some of you probably read this to trigger yourselves, trust me, i do too. but close to tab, take a deep breath, and clear your head. you're worth so much more than you disorder, and your appearance and i love you all! enjoy this (if that's even possible) and i sincerely am sorry to anyone who relates to this. you deserve better, and things can get better. recovery is always possible and i love you all. my tumblr is @/loveluster if u wanna talk.

Minho was tired. 

He was tired of the sleepless nights spent fixating over every ounce of fat that coated his body, he was tired of obsessing over every morsel of food that passed through his cracked lips, he was tired of the unrelenting voice that would whisper vile words to him in the darkness of the night, coursing him into doing the unthinkable, he was tired of spending hours upon hours hunched over the toilet, heaving the contents of his stomach into the bowl just so his mind would allow him a moments peace, he was tired of the lingering feeling of dizziness that washed over him when him and the other members would rehearse together, causing him to nearly collapse onto the cold wooden floor of the practice room room due to the unwavering exhaustion that weighed on him heavily, he was tired of the piercing cold that had consumed his entire being, never allowing any warmth to pass through his hollow form. He was just _fucking tired._

All he wanted was perfection, but perfection was beginning to seem more like an unattainable privilege, a concept created to hold him in the clutches of whatever foul creature had its hold around the man's state of mind. Although the number on the scale appeared lower as each day passed, the weight in his chest began to grow, until he felt suffocated, and as this weight grew heavier, he felt more of himself begin to slip into the abyss. He didn't know who he was anymore, he viewed himself as nothing more than a sack of skin and the bones beneath his pale flesh.

And he fucking hated it.

"Minho hyung," His thoughts were interrupted by gentle knocking against the bathroom door, followed by the soft voice of one of his members. "Are you done yet, you've been in there a while now. Seungmin said he needs to shower, he's getting all pissy about it." It was Jisung, who could erupt a silent room into laughter in mere seconds, who never failed to put a smile on the elders face, who was laced with nothing but kindness and purity. His voice feigned of innocence, and Minho hated it. The younger was so gentle, so kind, and so fragile, and it was as if the slightest form of contact from the elder would taint him, staining him shades of crimson red and black, making him just as tainted as he was himself. 

It was at this moment though, Minho realized the current condition he was in; hunched over the toilet bowl, long, thin fingers shoveled half way down his throat, eyes weary, and face swollen. It most certainly did not look very pleasant, and he wasn't willing to expose his members to what an absolute abomination he was, especially when he was in this state.

"Sorry, I'm almost done. Gimme' a minute." Minho rasped out painfully, throat sore from the repetitive motion of his fingers pushing and prodding against the back of his throat. He slowly picked himself up off of the ground, taking a cleaning rag and spray from underneath the bathroom cabinet, as he began hurriedly trying to clean up the mess that he had made, silently hoping the younger wouldn't grow suspicious. 

"Hyung, what are you doing?" Jisung asked, his voice laced with hints of concern, he began jostling with the door knob, which only led to Minho panicking further, as he quickly finished cleaning, satisfied that he'd concealed the evidence of his actions well enough. Washing his face with the warm tap water of the sink, he unlocked the door, promptly opening, as a troubled Jisung stood before him, arms crossed as they rested upon his chest. "What were you doing in there hyung, you took like, an hour." He peered over the taller's shoulder to look into the bathroom, which appeared to be clean and unsurprisingly normal , as he expected it to be, he couldn't ignore the tinge of anxiety that tugged at his mind. Something about this just didn't sit right with him. 

"Nothing, _I was just-_ it's nothing.'' Minho stammered out, gently pushing the younger to the side, as he slipped out of the bathroom, before walking swiftly down the hallway to his and Jeongin's shared bedroom. Now Jisung was certain that something was wrong, although he wasn't the best at reading people, especially those with a personality such as Minho's, he knew the elder more than he knew himself, they'd always been close, maybe a bit too much so, but he wasn't willing to let this slide if there could potentially be something wrong.

Or, maybe he was overthinking. Maybe he was just being paranoid and letting his anxiety get the best of him, and although that isn't unlikely, something about their interaction really made the younger feel on edge. Minho seemed as if someone, or rather something, had completely drained him of all life, leaving behind nothing but a dull form, a shell of what he remembered him to be. And that worried him. So he would rather go off on a hunch, or his own intuition, then ignore the feeling completely.

And he'll be damned if he weren't to figure this out.

*

"Minho _-ah,_ do you want some waffles? Hyunjin got them from the shop down the street, it's your favorite." Chan offered, as he placed two plastic bags on the table, which were filled with the contents of delicious breakfast foods, though he yearned immensely for them, and his stomach was pleading for any form of food that wasn't coffee, low calorie fruit cups, or diet energy drinks, he had no choice but to decline. He couldn't afford another mistake, he had already made so many, and he desperately needed to do damage control. "No thanks, maybe I'll have some later, thank you though." He declined politely, his smile unwavering under the elder's gaze. But Chan wasn't convinced, his expression darkening slightly, eyebrows furrowing together. 

"Well, you need to eat something. We have a very long rehearsal today, and you need to keep yourself nourished so that you'll have energy. Do you want something else?" Minho had silently pleaded the elder wouldn't press any further on the subject, but Chan, being the kind and considerate leader he was wouldn't allow any of the member's to leave for rehearsal without having eaten, and on the off chance that it somehow slipped by him (which was rare) he would begin to shove copious amounts of proteins bars down their throats, but not before scolding them about how important mental health and self care were. He knew he meant well, truly, but that didn't keep the persistent self deprecating thoughts from badgering him, plucking away at every insecurity and flaw of his being, until he was nothing but the ground that laid beneath him.

"It's really fine, I can make myself something before we leave, I'm not hungry right now hyung." Minho assured, hoping to lay the elder's worries to rest. Chan stared at him skeptical eyes, the kind that would analyze every inch of your being, picking you apart piece by piece and seeing through the façade he worked diligently to uphold. It was those kinds of eyes that scared Minho the most, the ones that could unravel the very contents of his being, until he was nothing but the torn and tattered form he worked so desperately to hide away from the world.

"Okay, but please do eat." Chan sighed, he didn't seem completely convinced, but he could see the tension the conversation had been building. Walking away from the table, he promptly went to gather the remainder of the group, leaving Minho to himself in the kitchen. He let out a breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding, that was close, so thank you to whatever god that was gracious enough to let me have at least a moment’s peace, he thought to himself. 

Moments later, the members began piling into the kitchen one by one, all of them crowding around the kitchen, some sitting down in their respective seats, while others helped to set the table for today's meal. Today it was Hyunjin, Seungmin and Changbin's job set the table, although not without Hyunjin throwing himself a fit about how he was too classy to be doing such things as cleaning, cooking or anything that involved getting his hands even slightly dirty. Usually they just laughed him off, humoring him because he wasn't serious, but sometimes they did wonder. 

Minho enjoyed times like these, although he absolutely dreaded meal times, when he was able to swindle his way out of eating, the laughter of his friends, the liveliness of their dorm, even in the early hours of the morning or the late hours of the night, the sincere smiles shared among one another, it was enough to gill him with happiness and content, which was not something that he usually felt. So he treasured moments like these, despite how temporary they may be. But the majority of the time, this was short lived as he was hit with the realization he would soon have to join them in eating, which left a very unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach, and a sour taste in his mouth. But that was the majority of the time, today, he could enjoy the time with his members. He was grateful for that.

Before he realized, everyone was already seated around the table, Jisung and Jeongjin both sitting to opposite sides of him. Apparently Chan had been discussing something with the group, although he had no idea of the subject matter, as he was barely even processing when everyone had come to sit down and start eating. From what he could tell, it must've been something out of rehearsals, their schedules, performances, and interviews. Not nearly interested enough, he tuned out once again, letting his mind wander.

"Hyung, aren't you going to eat?" Minho flinched, drawn from his train of thought looking beside him, meeting big, vibrant doe eyes, staring at him in confusion. Unsurprisingly, it was Jisung, it was always Jisung. As much as he loves the younger, he feels vulnerable under his gaze, and the concern in his eyes at times is almost too much for his heart to handle at times. "You don't have any food on your plate," He added.

"I'm not hungry now, but I'll probably get something before we leave." It technically wasn't a lie, he was going to eat something before they left for rehearsal, but whether it be a low calorie yogurt or some fruit though, he could not make many promises. 

Unconvinced, Jisung searched through the elder's eyes for something, anything, before eventually nodding and turning his attention back to their leader. Now that he thought about it, the elder would rarely eat meals with them anymore, mostly excusing himself from the table, saying how he was tired, or that he'd already eaten. No one would ever pay much mind, it wasn't uncommon for someone to come down in the late hours of the night, ravenous, and begin scavenging through the kitchen. They were growing men, with large appetites', who worked unreasonable hours, they'd all feed themselves on their own time at some point, right? 

Now that, Jisung wasn't sure of.

He knew of how cruel this industry could be to it's idols, especially as many of them were still considered younger and slightly impressionable, along with the pressure of having to please millions upon millions of fans, and the constant fear of lacking behind the rest, of falling short. He understood how easily falling down the wrong path into a slippery slope of dangers and insecurities could be, and they always did their best to look out for one another, offer reassurance and encouragement. But wouldn't he talk to them? Although Minho wasn't the type to wear it heart out on his sleeves, he would surely share something as hindering as that with them, right? Maybe he was overthinking again.

But a part of him wondered what if he wasn't? And even just the thought of that sends a shiver down Jisung's spine. 

"Jisung _-ah!_ " Chan called out for the nth time, finally gaining the brunette's attention. "Are you okay? You spaced out for a minute there, I was asking if you wanted any syrup." 

The younger's eyes blinked rapidly, before he offered the leader a bashful smile, rubbing the nape of his neck nervously. "Ah, sorry hyung, I'm okay, I just got lost in thought for a second there. I'm okay though, really! But no thank you hyung." Everyone's eyes lingered on him for a few seconds, before they returned back to what they had been doing before, all except Minho, who's eyes stayed focused on him for barely a moment longer, before he focused his attention back to the same spot on the table. 

_Great, this will surely get me an unnecessarily long talk from Chan,_ he thought to himself. Letting out a huff, he picked up the chopsticks that laid neatly beside his plate, and joined the rest of his member's in eating their meal before leaving off to the company building.

*

Practice was grueling.

Usually, Minho could handle the beads of sweat that dripped profusely along his body, making strands of his hair stick to his forehead. He could handle the ache of his limbs as they began to repeatedly rehearse the same movements overs and over and over again. He could handle the fogginess of his mind, as he stared hazily at the instructor who scolded the group for their poor timing, poor formations, out of sync movements. He could handle the pounding of his head, worsening as he pressed forward with each routine, movements becoming sloppier and sloppier as he slowly began to lose control over his body entirely. 

But today was different, because he couldn't. _He just fucking couldn't._

They were several hours into rehearsal, and the member's were now dispersed throughout the practice room as their instructor had now just let them out for a short break, the first they've had in hours. Minho, leaning against the glass mirror in the room, laid limply on the floor, holding a cold water bottle to his neck in attempts to lower his body temperature as he was currently boiling. With half lidded eyes, he stared lousily at Changbin and Felix, who sat across the room from him, as they looked at something on the younger's phone. Probably choreography, as they had a habit of recording the routines, but he didn't have the energy to ponder upon the thought any further.

As he was too busy staring distractedly at the two rapper's across the room, he didn't notice that a certain brunette had shuffled his way across the room to sit promptly beside him, holding a protein bar and water bottle in his hands, and a sincere grin ingrained on his face. "Hey," He chirped, nudging the elder's shoulder gently, effectively gaining his attention. He seemed almost too cheerful for someone who had just gotten ripped into by their instructor, listening to an onslaught of complaints and critics, but that was Jisung. "You okay hyung? You look a little pale, and you were sweating a lot during the rehearsal." His smile faltered a bit, morphing into a more concerned expression. Minho cringed, he hated that. He hated being the reason for his friends' worries.

"Ah, don't worry Sungie, I'm okay. Just a little tired, but you know how it is." It was true, he was tired, he just failed to mention why. Jisung gave him an understanding look, before holding out the protein bar in front of his face. "Here, you should eat something. I noticed you didn't eat anything before we left, it'll make you feel better." He said, giving the elder a sincere smile, waving the bar in front of him. A fucking smile. He knew of the rapper's pure intentions, but that didn't stop the surge of anxiety swelling inside of him, or the wave of nausea that passed through him just at the bare prospect of eating, or the increase in his heart rate as he took in jagged breaths, trying to calm himself down. 

"Uh, it's okay. I'm not hungry right now, but I promise to eat afterwards. I had a really large dinner last night, so I still have some food in my system." He laughed nervously, shifting his gaze down to the floor. He didn't want to see the look of disappointment and concern on the shorter's face, he hated that look. It didn't fit him. Jisung deserved nothing but happiness and enjoyment, he shouldn't have to worry about the health of his hyung. But he does, and it's all his fault. _All his fault, all his fault, all his fault, all his fault, all his-_

"Hello? Minho hyung? Are you okay?" 

Right now, he couldn't bring himself to look the brunette in the eyes. He was not going to let himself cry in front of his members, let alone Jisung of all people. Not trusting his voice at the moment, Minho simply nodded, continuing to stare down at the spot on the floor and hoping the younger would just leave, as much as he appreciated his kindness, he didn't deserve it, he wasn't worthy of it. 

Just as Jisung was about to say something, their dance instructor called the group back to continue their rehearsal, rounding up each of the men as they all began to walk towards the center of the room, standing in the formations they had last left off at. Giving the elder a final look, picked himself up off of the wooden tile and jogged lightly to his spot in the room between Jeongjin and Seungmin. Minho followed closely behind him, as everyone was now standing in the center of the room. Minho could only pray to whatever existing god out there that the remainder of rehearsal wouldn't be as treacherous and exhausting as the beginning of it, and although he knew that wasn't likely, he still hoped.

Unfortunately for him, hoping could only do so much.

*

Returning to the dorms, each member went their separate ways, a handful of them secluding themselves in their bedrooms to rest, while several of them went into the kitchen to find something to eat. Minho, along with Hyunjin, Changbin, Felix and Seungmin, took sanction in his room. He was in no mood to deal with any of the member's at the moment, as he was exhausted, sporting a pounding headache, and every inch of his body was aching dully from the overexertion of his limbs during rehearsals.

All he wanted was a moment of peace, although that seemed impossible with the intrusive thoughts and cruel voices that constantly whispered cruel lullabies in his head. Even with nothing but his own presence, it felt utterly exhausting. Peace and silence seemed like nothing but a dream, even when he was doing nothing but merely lying lazily against the mattress of his bed, it always felt wrong. Like regardless of where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing, he was always making mistake after mistake after mistake. He would say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, smile at the wrong time, it was always something.

He just wanted peace, but it seemed fucking impossible.

Instead of continuing to do nothing, as it was slowly picking away at every inch of his mind, he decided to make use of the useless sack of flesh he'd been burdened with, and go out for a run. At least he was being productive, right? He needed to do something. Dragging himself out of his bed, he sluggishly moved across the cramped dorm and passed the kitchen and common room, stopping just in front of the front door and slipping on a pair of his running shoes.

Chan, who was lying on the couch with Hyunjin and Jisung, glanced at the younger with an unsure look on his face. "Where are you going? We only just got back from rehearsal, shouldn't you rest and eat something before you leave?" The younger leader had a point, they had only just returned from rehearsal, and Minho looked exhausted, he was exhausted. But he needed to do something. He needed to be productive, proactive. He was wasting valuable time he could be using to get better, to be better. He didn't deserve to rest, not when he looked like this, not when he was still severely lacking behind his member's, people like him don't get to rest. In order to keep pace, he has to work, even despite the sacrifices. 

"Ah, I'm just going out for a short run, I'll be back in a bit." He said, reassuringly, waving off the elder as he attempted to slip out the door.

"Well, if it's a short run, I'm sure it can wait. We're eating soon, and you haven't joined us for dinner in a while. Why don't we eat together instead, you need to take care of yourself." Chan countered, sitting up against the couch cushions, staring intensely at the brown haired man. Desperately racking the contents of his brains for responses, Minho stammered out. "Chan hyung, it- it’s not going to be that long, it'll only take 30 minutes or so."

"If it's only 30 minutes, then can't you go after?"

"Can't I just go now, I promise I won't-"

"Minho please, just this once, sit and eat with us. You can go afterwards, one of us could even come along as well." Chan tried to reason, but it only seemed to be irritating the younger further.

"Why are you making such a big deal of this?" Minho asked, growing increasingly frustrated with the elder. "I'm a grown adult, I should be able to go out when I want too." 

"Because you never spend time with us, Minho. You never eat with us, you don't come to watch movies with us, you don't play with Innie and Sungie anymore. You just lock yourself away in your room, and shut the rest of us out. And I'm worried, we're all worried about you, and it's because we care. Why won't you tell us what's wrong?" 

"Nothing's wrong."

Chan scoffed. "Look at yourself, Minho _-ah_. You're wasting away, and I'm _not_ going to stand to the side and watch it happen anymore. Just talk to us, talk to me, please." He was practically pleading to the younger, eyes staring wearily as he searched through the dancer's eyes for answers. Minho's expression hardened, he suppressed the urge to pour his heart out to the elder, further emotionally distancing himself from him. He couldn't know. Besides, there was nothing wrong anyways. He was fine. Minho was fine. 

"I said I'm _fine,_ nothing's _wrong._ " 

"Minho, but you're not. We can all clearly see that, there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that there's a problem. That you aren't okay. That's one step towards working through it. But Minnie, you have to let us in. We're here to help you, not hurt you. I don't know what's bothering you, but-" Before Chan could finish the remainder of his sentence, he was interrupted by a clearly upset Minho.

"I told you there's nothing fucking wrong! You have no idea what you're talking about, so just leave me the fuck alone!" Minho lashed out at the elder, angrily grabbing his jacket off the coat hanger and throwing open the front door. "Eat without me tonight, I don't have time for this shit." He spat, before slamming the door behind him, letting the sound ring throughout the silent apartment. Chan stared at the door, dumbfounded by the younger's reaction, as Hyunjin and Jisung looked just as confused behind him. Several other members had also piled into the room, spouting out questions to the elders.

Any previous doubt had been laid to rest, because they were now all sure that something was seriously wrong with their friend, and they needed to do something about it, sooner rather than later.

"Let him go, he needs some time to cool off." Jisung cut through the silence, looking at the blonde who was still staring, baffled, at the front door.

_"But-"_

"Hyung, he'll be okay. We'll talk to him. If he's not back, I'll go look for him. It'll be easier if only one of us goes."

Chan thought about it for a moment, he had a point. And Minho had a soft spot for the younger, it was impossible not to give into the younger's persuasive gaze, even for those as stubborn and persistent as Minho. He trusted him, and was able to confide in the younger. Chan smiled softly at the younger, before bringing his hand to ruffle the brunette's slightly tangled hair.

"Okay. But you have an hour, after that I'm not waiting any longer."

*

Minho trudged along the side walking, maneuvering his way around the crowd of people and further pulling up his face mask. He had originally intended to go out running, hopefully to blow off some steam, and cool himself down a bit. It was extremely uncharacteristic for him to lash out on others, let alone Chan, their kind and loving leader, who only had the purest intentions in mind for each of them. But he just felt so frustrated, and instead of acting rationally, he lost control of his temper, snapping at the elder. And he felt awful for it.

He didn't know where he was walking too, quite frankly, it didn't matter. The hurt in his member's eyes weighed heavy on his heart, he couldn't bear to face him. Now they'd all certainly think there was something wrong with the elder dancer, although he swore there wasn't. They didn't need to know, they couldn't know. He had fought so desperately to keep this part of him hidden from his friends, from his family, from the world, and the mere thought of even one of them knowing made his stomach churn. He'd be shunned, a disappointment to the group, to the company, to his family, surely they'd kick him out, right?

The sun was beginning to set, he wasn't sure what time it was, but judging by the lavender and magenta that painted the sky, melding into a mixture of purple and red hues, he could assume it was getting late. Large groups of people begun flowing into the small strip he'd been walking down, and it was now that he had the realization he had absolutely no idea where he walked too. Great, as if things could get any better, he thought to himself. He supposed it was better than having to face everyone back home, so for now it would have to do. But eventually, he would have to go back, and he was dreading it.

Sitting promptly on the corner of a bench located in front of a small, family owned restaurant, he silently watched as groups of all sort of people bustled along the strip, piling in and out of the small shops, faces filled with smiles and the air filled with laughter and joy, it oddly gave him a sense of comfort. He enjoyed the moment while it lasted.

But like most things, nothing lasts forever. He was interrupted by a vibration in his pocket, swiftly pulling out his phone and holding in front of his face, the screen read Jisungie.

_Fuck._

He contemplated for a moment, on whether he should answer or not. He could simply ignore the younger's call, and continue to wallow in his own despair in the center of some shopping strip he didn't know the name of, listening to the sound of laughter and enthusiasm as the people went about their evening, buying an unnecessary amount of clothing, trying foods from some of the carts located at each of the corners, enjoying the culture. Living so carelessly, which was a prospect he had only dreamed of. Or, he could inevitably respond to the younger, already aware of the onslaught of worries and anxieties the vocalist would pour out to him through the phone, listening to how he was so worried about his hyung and how he wanted him to come home. Eventually, he ended up answering the call, unable to ignore the man any further.

"Hey," He said dully, pressing his phone to his ear as he waited for the younger to reply.

"Hyung, I know you're hurting right now, and I know you're probably upset. It's okay, you have a right to be. We pushed and prodded further then you were comfortable with us doing so, which understandably, frustrated you. And we're sorry for that, truly. But you can't keep doing this to yourself hyung, you can't." He paused for a moment, taking a breath, before continuing. "You know that we love you so much, right? You know that I love you so much. We're worried about you, all of us. And it's because we care hyung, we care about you a whole lot. So please, talk to us, let us in, let us know when you're hurting so we can help. Hyung, please, we love you so much."

Hearing the sound of Jisung practically pleading to him was heartbreaking, he sounded so sad, he hated that for the younger. Jisung didn't deserve to be sad, or upset, especially because of him. And the fact that he placed this amount of worry upon the people he loved so dearly made him feel incredibly guilty, these were his friends, his family, they shouldn't have to worry about him. They shouldn't.

"Jisung _-ah_ ," Minho said softly, closing his eyes as he spoke into the line. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Hyung is sorry for making you worry, please don't worry. I'll be okay, I promise. I didn't mean to lash out like that, I was just- I was so upset, and I lost control of myself and I hurt you, and I hurt Chan, and I hurt everyone because all I ever seem to do is hurt people and-" Before he had time to stop himself, he had slowly begun to unravel to the younger. This maintained and calm façade was falling apart by the seams and for once in his life, he didn't bother to stop himself. Minho was tired, he was fucking exhausted. And he didn't want this anymore.

"Hyung, what's really going on?" It was an honest question, which meant the elder had to give a sincere answer, and that terrified him, but he was beginning to realize the more he suppressed the heavier the weight in his chest began to grow, until eventually, he was nothing but a lifeless form with nothing to offer other than anxieties and pointless insecurities.

"I-I just, _fuck._ I just wanted to be perfect, you know? I wanted to be in control. When everything was spiraling, at least there was something to keep me grounded, right? But every day is so fucking repetitive, and it's so exhausting. It's the same awful routine, and I'm so tired Sungie. And I don't want to do this anymore, I don't-" He choked on his own words, silently sobbing into the line, not caring about the worried glances he was given by those passing by. In this moment, it seemed like the entire world had come crashing down on him. He just wanted to be better, and he wanted to find the joy life again, to hang out with his friends, to go out to eat and enjoy himself, _to fucking live._ He's wasted so many years diluted by his own insecurities, stuck in his own mind, and he's lost so much time. He doesn't want to lose anymore.

"Hyung, are you-" Jisung cut himself off, Minho could hear the sound of passing traffic on the other side of the line, as well as the chatter from large groups of people, he must have been out looking for him. "I'm so sorry hyung, I'm coming, you'll be okay, I promise. We'll get through this together, we aren't leaving you behind, I promise. Please hyung, tell me where you are? Chan was practically going to send out a search party looking for you." Of course he would, now that he thought of it, he probably had the elder worried sick. 

"I- I don't know," He stammered out, wiping the tears that were still streaming down his flushed, and swollen cheeks. "I'm in a shopping strip, the one with that Ramen place."

"Jesus, how far did you walk?" 

"Farther than I thought, I guess." He chuckled, looking around at the shops around him, looking for any familiar signs of buildings.

"Okay, I know which one you're talking about, stay there, okay? I'll be there in 20, it'll be okay Minho, okay?" He comforted the elder with kind, reassuring words, which surprisingly helped to calm Minho down, his breath slowly beginning to even out once again.

"Stay on the phone with me?"

_"Of course."_

*

So, apparently, Minho had walked a lot farther than Jisung had anticipated, considering the fact that he had to call a cab in order to get down to the area he was in. But judging by the elder's dazed state he seemed to be in when he found him sitting exactly where he said he'd be, on a small bench in front of one of the family own restaurants selling ramyeon, he didn't press the subject any further. Walking up to the elder, he sat beside him on the bench, slowly pulling him into his chest, enveloping him for a hug.

He looked distraught, and it made the brunette's heart hurt to see someone he cared for so deeply hurting this much. Of course, he knew something had been off with the elder, especially the last couple of months. It had been stressful for the group and everyone had been on edge, but this, he wanted nothing more but to strip the dancer of whatever cruel words and awful thoughts his mind had been bombarding him with, but he knew, unfortunately, that wasn't the way it worked.

"It's okay hyung, I'm here." He murmured, placing a chaste kiss against his forehead as he carded his fingers through Minho's dark locks of hair. He looked distant, as if he wasn't in the present moment. Jisung didn't know what to do, honestly, but he would try his best if it meant helping him, even if only in the slightest.

"I'm so fucking tired.. " His voice was barely audible, as he muttered into the fabric of the shorter man's hoodie. Jisung didn't say anything, only holding him tighter as he continued to stroke his fingers through his hair.

"How about we go and get some coffee? And then we can go back, and rest. We don't have to talk about this now, or even today, but eventually, okay? I texted Chan and everyone else, they were worried too, you know? How about we get out of here, baby, you look exhausted." Jisung pulled away from the elder a bit, looking him intently in his eyes, waiting for a response. When he didn't receive one, he assumed the gentle smile slowly spreading across the latter's face was his answer.

Jisung stood up from the bench, quickly helping up the elder to his feet as the two began walking through the crowds of people, hands intertwined, sharing each other's warmth. This was the first feeling of warmth that Minho had experienced in so long, he forgot how nice it felt to be held, to be taken care of, to be loved. 

Once the two had managed their way out of the crowds of people flowing through the streets, Minho turned to the brunette, a look of admiration in his eyes. "Thank you Jisung, seriously." Jisung was slightly taken aback, but was quick to mask it, placing a soft kiss on the elder's cheek and pulling away, smiling at him as they continued walking towards where a line of cabs were parked besides the sidewalk.

Perhaps this could the beginning of a fresh start for the elder; a time of change and improvement. Not just for himself, but for those around him as well. Perhaps this would the beginning of what he would call his recovery; although it wouldn't be easy, he was ready; to let go of the past and look towards the future, to find joy in the simple things in life, _to just live._ Sometimes it's the little things that bring you the most comfort, and he was now beginning to see that. And he was ready.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed (idk how anyone could lol) and have a wonderful night/day. keep in mind this was not to romanticize these disorder, they are truly destructive and life ruining and i wouldn't wish this upon anyone, honestly. this is just a look into how i feel and would describe it. i love you all again, you all deserve love and kindness (from yourselves as well) and thank you for reading


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